Pet Peeves

I know this isn't in the spirit of the optimism that embroils New Year's, but I'm sorry, it has to be done. We've all got them. They annoy us so much that they can make our toes curl and our eyelashes straighten. Pet peeves! Here are just a few of mine:

1. The Card Coveters - you know who I'm talking about. Those people that make sure you have their address because they want a birthday or Christmas card but never actually send a card back?!?
2. The Microwave Vigilantes - the ones that would rather traverse the length of the office to inform you that the microwave has 'dinged' than physically remove your food container and put theirs in. Do I have cooties, or something? These are also the ones that do the toe-tapping-dance when waiting for you to finish using the kettle.
3. The Better Offerers - those so-called 'friends' that always seem to cancel almost every thing you arrange with them. Little Johnny's got an ear infection? Again? Tenth time this year, isn't it? More like a euphemism for having received a better offer.
4. The Fly Catchers - those people that eat with their mouth wide open. How do they not know they're doing this?! I mean, seriously, with your mouth acting like the Channel Tunnel you must have caught enough flies over the years to know that something's amiss!
5. The Punctuation Ignoramuses - you went to school you must know some grammar or punctuation so please please use it do you like reading a sentence like this that has absolutely no grammar no I didn't think so yes well neither do we
6. The Crop Dusters - those lovely folk that fart in public. Hold it for Pete's sake! Worst offenders are old people. Sorry if I'm being ageist, but you go to Morrisons on a Friday afternoon when all the silver surfers are out in force. It's like the trombone section of the Salvation Army Brass Band, only I wouldn't light a match.
7. The Bag Swirlers - so, you offer someone a crisp/sweet from your bag and they swirl and swirl their hand around until they get what they want...as if each crisp/sweet is different and the choices are immense. They're not, but thanks for your hand germs.
8. The Movie Spoilers - those people that insist on asking questions during a movie. I'm watching the same movie as you, so how do you think I know more than you?!
9. The Duck Facers - how, in the entire history of ever, did anyone think this was an attractive, sought after look? You look like you're sucking on wasps.
10. The Literalists - literally, and I mean literally, those who inaccurately use this word. Let's face it, if the number of people in the world who'd said they were "literally scared out of my mind" or "literally dead" were being accurate then we'd literally have a whole lot more to worry about than literally inaccurate vocabularists.
11. The Professional Tautologists - those people that just lurrrve the sound of their own voice so much that they feel the need to say the same thing over, and over, and over again just using different words. You are the reason I learned to sleep with my eyes open.
12. The Salt Shovellers - those condiment-slathering-sodium-chloride-liberalists that put salt on food before they bother trying it. Clearly, you're some kind of NaCl-superhumans that can spy depleted levels of salt in food at ten paces. 
13. The Eye-ballers - those people that only seem able to hold a conversation with you if you're eye-ball-to-eye-balling each other. Don't you dare blink! Or you'll you'll be asked that inevitable question, 'are you listening to me?' Yes, well, last time I checked I didn't hear through my eyeballs.